My thoughts of what it is to be me

Friday 3rd September: When I decide finally to leave my old life behind and try something that I had only ever dreamt of, I had reservations. Im not the kind of person who makes decisions quickly or even lightly. There have been many times when, in my solitude, I have pondered on where my life was to take me. At my age, many of the people I used to know have now ‘settled down’ and have families of their own. I had always hoped that was for me, but time and time again, I found it difficult to say the word ‘yes’. After a decade of waiting to see if things would change and being in the situation I was in, I knew that I could never say yes to that life. I left it behind. I started a new chapter.

It took me time to find another who I could live so freely with. In the past, I had dreamt of travelling and immersing myself in the history and culture of a place. I  thrive on finding out and learning. I suppose that’s why I love education. It's not just about imparting knowledge for me, its the whole experience. The passion that comes with finding something out and then wanting to dig deeper and deeper, until it fills your every waking thoughts. Is a passion inside of me that I don't understand. It's like I want to know more and more until I swirl around in it and it becomes a part of me.

So, I sit here this afternoon, by the snail contemplating the past 5 weeks. I wonder about so many things. I think about the person I was. Always fulfilling work commitments above and beyond my capabilities. Being good was never good enough, I had to be the best. I have tried time and time again to forget about this perfection and just settle, but its not in me. I want to be the best person I can possibly be, and I want to give that dedication to the people and the interests that I hold dear. Im loyal to that aspect and will be till the end. Giving up is not an option for me until I know that there is nothing left. And then, with sorrow I leave a part of me behind and once more, re-emerge from the ashes, a phoenix.

I wonder what my thoughts will be like after another 5 weeks. And will I get there wounded from the fights or standing with pride over my journey and my choices. Journeys, I believe, is ultimately finding out about yourself. I am glad I have this opportunity, but would have certainly never made it this far on my own. I would have probably stayed where I was, continuing to give all that I had, in the best way I could. So what made me, a very sensible girl, not a risk taker in any sense, move away and do something as crazy as this? The answer for me is love. Love can take you many places you would wish to go, if only you have the courage to say ‘yes’. After a lifetime of saying ‘no’, ‘maybe’, and even ‘perhaps’, the time came when the risk to go became stronger than the risk to stay. Im not a follower though, and never have been. I don't want to be where conformists go. I want to be myself and true to myself. You can tell when I go against this principle, I am a shadow, an echo of who I am. I am quite independent and happy when I can make my own choices. I am my father’s daughter. Although he tells me time and time again that I am not, I know it in my heart. We react the same, act the same and fight for the same things the same. I may not have inherited his mathematician mind, or even his ability to pay off my flat in seven years. I hate when he is right and I cant admit it. It would have been good now to own my own place, but I cant wallow in feelings of regret. What is done is done.

And so, after months of wondering whether to stay or to go, the time came when it was painfully obvious. Live the life you want, or watch the life you’d like. As much as the journey up until now has not been altogether pleasurable, and there have been times when I wondered how much more I could take, I would much rather feel this pain than feel nothing at all. The scars I bear show me how far I have come. It shows me the battles I fight and the ones I have won and the ones I have lost. I don't get things right and sometimes I wish I could have a ‘groundhog day’ so that I could say and do things differently. A far cry from the person who is always so in control and relies on the structures and the securities of a life once lived.

So love is the reason I suppose, and according to Blaise Pascal, ‘Love knows its reasons that reasons knows not of’. I cant explain really why I am here. My soul could orchestrate a symphony to explain it, but my words are poor in comparison. But I am glad that I am. I wonder about so many things and yet wondering seeks me to find no solutions to the things I would like an answer to.

Who I was yesterday is who I was, who I am today is what I would like to be. I want to show through my actions the trueness of my soul. If that means on this journey that I may have to take a backseat at times, then I hope I can show humility in those moments. For the times I need to be in the foreground, I hope to have the courage to say what is important to me, without fear. I want to be me, the very best I can give myself. I want to grow and live and laugh and love.